DISASTER! Alex Rider meets the Diamond Brothers
by GunnerGirl
Summary: Alex Rider goes to the Diamond brothers for help after Damian Cray's son is out to get him. I hope you find it as funny to read as I found it to write! thanx for ur help with this Tiff!
1. Chapter 1

I am Nick Diamond. In case you haven't heard of me, which you probably haven't, I will tell you the sort of person I am. I am the sort of person that can't buy yoghurt without being caught by Frenchmen and drugged with a lethal overdose. I am the sort of person who can't go on a school trip without being caught by the police and forced to share a cell with a teenage criminal. I am the sort of person who can't go to the circus without being chased by elephants and tight ropewalkers. Why am I this sort of person? The answer is very simple in fact, its Herbert Simple.

He likes to think of himself as a private eye with a nose for trouble but really he is a blind eye and I wont tell you what he has a nose for! He calls himself Tim Diamond, he is thirty years old but still has nightmares after watching Jarrasic Park. Tim diamond just happens to be my brother, unfortunately. On this particular Sunday afternoon, I was trying desperately to scrape the mould off of some two-year-old cheddar. It was the only thing in the flat that even hinted at being edible except Tim's rubber duck, which he refused to let me have. Tim was in the shower, singing to himself. I wasn't sure that it was actually singing because if he had been screaming I wouldn't have been able to tell the difference. The phone started to ring and before I could answer it Tim had run into the room and picked it up. He could have electrocuted himself because he was still wet but unfortunately no such luck. He hadn't realised that he had shut his towel in the door and everyone in the street below could see his naked bottom half. Tim put down the phone almost instantly.

"Who was it?" I asked.

"Just someone," said Tim.

"You don't know do you?" I said. Tim looked uncomfortable.

"Nope, no idea," he said, he was a terrible liar.

"Come on Tim who was it?" I tried to sound comforting.

"Ok, ill tell you," said Tim.

"Go on then!" I prompted after ten minutes of waiting for him to carry on.

"It was Charlotte," Tim said and burst into tears!

"What!" I screamed. "No way, why? Why now? Why when I was starting to get over the whole 'people trying to kill me' thing!"

"She just said hello and I put the phone down," wailed Tim. "I still love her! Shall I take her back? I don't know what to do! Call the love doctor!"

"Call the head doctor," I muttered. Just then the doorbell rang.

"Ill get it," said Tim and before I could stop him he had opened the door. The person at the door took one look at Tim's bare bottom and instead of running away as anybody else would, pushed past him into the flat. I almost screamed!

"Jonny! What are you doing here, I thought you were in Japan!" I said, quietly.

"No thanks to you Diamond." Replied Jonny Powers and took a gun from his jacket.

"Look, I am really sorry that I put you Ma in jail, cant we be civilised and put this all behind us?" I asked quietly.

"You did what Diamond!" screamed Powers, that was it, I had dug my own grave!

"He's got a gun!" sighed Tim and fainted dramatically onto the kitchen floor. This created a slight distraction, I took my chance and lobbed the first thing that came to hand at Jonny Powers' head. Jonny fell instantly to the floor. Public enemy number one had returned only to be taken out by a lump of two-year-old cheddar!

I grabbed hold of the phone and rang nine, nine, nine. I hadn't trusted the police since they framed me for a jewel robbery, but this was an emergency! After a long drawn out conversation with some nitwit on the other end of the line (which I nearly used to strangle him with) I managed to persuade him to send someone over. He didn't believe my story, but then would they believe you if you said you had a wanted criminal in your house and you knocked him out with cheese. Being believed was the least of my worries, I had Jonny Powers on the floor, and the assassin Charon on the phone, then there was Tim who was on another planet!

"Can this day get any worse!" I said aloud. Just then a bullet whistled two millimetres to the left of my right ear. Obviously 'yes'. I looked out of the window quickly and my immediate thought was "God it's the bad guy Olympics!" Somehow Big Ed and Nails Nathan had joined forces against the power of the Diamond Brothers. What they didn't realise was that power didn't come into it, just a dramatic reversal of luck. I looked around me desperately. Tim stood up and shook his head, sending water droplets spinning across the kitchen in all directions.

"Oh Nick, I had a nightmare!" he moaned. Then he saw Jonny Powers on the floor and another bullet came whistling through the air and lodged itself in the fridge door. I expected him to faint again, I wish I could have done.

"See Nick, that's how scary I am!" Tim said slowly. I ground my teeth. I was stuck in the flat with a naked Tim and public enemy number one and there were two guys outside shooting bullets through the window. The phone rang and I screamed.

"Hello!" I yelled, I couldn't take it!

"Hello honey," said my mother's voice.

"Sorry mum, can't talk now, homework!" I snapped, just then the window exploded.

"What was that!" Shrieked my mother.

"Herbert," I said and put the phone down on her.

The police finally arrived. Tim was still standing in the kitchen naked.

"Tim, get dressed!" I pleaded with him. He looked down and noticed the absence of his towel for the first time. He hurried off to the bedroom, bright red. The police were here now and everything would hopefully be all right. In all the commotion, I hadn't heard the loud ticking sound, but now it was rattling around in my head like a bead in a Pringles pot. I knew that sound only too well, the ticking of a bomb was somewhat louder than the ticking of a clock and there wasn't a clock in the flat to start with. I froze. The ticking was all around me, I tried desperately to find its location, but with no result. I tried to think quickly but the ticking was ripping into my head like bullets from Nail Nathan's machine gun. What could someone have sent a bomb in? There hadn't been any post except steadily growing bills for about two weeks. Then something clicked on like a light bulb in my head. I ran over to the cupboard under the sink where I had seen Tim hide something only the day before. I had thought nothing of it at the time it was most probably his rubber duck and he was trying to make it hibernate, but now I wondered. I threw the cupboard doors open and there, sitting in purple gift wrapping, was the biggest Easter egg I had ever seen in my life! The ticking noise was definitely coming from it, all I can remember thinking was " there was a giant pile of chocolate there all along and I was eating two year old cheese!" I threw the egg out of the blasted window. I watched it fall to the ground below and blow up in an eruption of red and orange flames.

"Nick!" Tim squealed hysterically. "That was my Easter egg!"

"No it wasn't, Tim" I said and pushed his head out of the window so he could see the mess in the street below.

"Now that's not very safe, that's the last time I buy and Easter egg if that's the kind of thing they put in it, I'm getting onto Cadbury's!" Tim said scowling. I sighed, Nails Nathan had been taken away in a police car and Big Ed was nowhere to be seen. I smiled to myself, it usually worked out in the end. Just then something made me stop. Why was there a sharp pain in the back of my head? The pain grew steadily worse and I turned round in time to see Jonny Powers standing over me with a smile on his face and the butt of his gun raised above his head. Then I collapsed and everything went black.

I woke up and screamed. There was a hideous monster looming over me. It screamed too. Then I blinked and realised that it was Tim.

"Tim?" I said.

"Nick!" he said.

"What happened?"

"You were knocked out,"

"I realise that Tim, but how?"

"Jimmy flowers!" Tim whimpered.

"Did he get away?"

"No, he got you,"

"Was he caught?"

"Yes, the police took him away in the car, he wasn't very happy."

I sort of grunted. I was going to say something and then decided that I didn't have the energy.

I sat up and looked around, I was in hospital. The smell of disinfectant mixed with sickness was not pleasant and everything seemed far too white.

"Why am I here?" I mumbled.

"We had to patch you up, you know you lost a lot of blood. You cracked your head right open!" said a voice. A male nurse walked into the room smiling. I sat up and felt dizzy so I lay back down again.

"Tim?"

"Yes,"

"Why are you wearing a hospital gown?"

Tim muttered something about fainting. He never could stand the sight of blood.

"You can go this evening, we'll just check you out again and hopefully you'll be free to go," said the nurse. I nodded and then stopped quickly when everything started to sway dangerously. The last time I'd felt this bad was when I had been given a lethal overdose of drugs and had to have my stomach pumped.

We had just got back to the flat. Tim was sitting at his desk, staring at a piece of paper in his hand. I looked over his shoulder, he was holding a photograph of a smartly dressed woman.

"Forget it Tim!"

"But Nick, I love her," Tim insisted, his voice quivered as if he was trying not to cry.

"She nearly shot you!" I exclaimed.

"Maybe it was something I did,"

"It was, Tim, police work remember. She was an assassin!"

Tim went quiet but he looked completely miserable.

Just then the front door burst open. A boy ran into the room and collapsed on the floor at my feet.

"What!" was all I could manage to say. Tim acted like he hadn't even noticed the intruder. I shook myself to get my senses back but then wished I hadn't as my old headache started up again. I helped the boy up from the floor.

"You know there is this thing called knocking," I muttered.

"No time!" gasped the boy. He was about fourteen and he was pretty good looking. He had blonde coloured hair and surprisingly empty blue eyes, lets just say I wouldn't say no to a face like that.

"What are you on about?" I asked, the boy was distressed and I was trying to calm him down.

"I need help!" the boy gasped and ran to the front door, he slammed it shut with such force, the whole flat shook.

"Who are you?"

"My name is Alex, where is Tim Diamond?"

"Tim?" I said, but Tim ignored me, he was wallowing too deep in his own self-pity to hear anything.

"Tim!" I shouted at the top of my voice. Tim heard me that time and sat up, putting on his detective face. It looked like he was in pain.

"Hello, the name's Diamond, Tim Diamond," he said. Alex looked at him and frowned, he was trying to make Tim out, something I'd been trying to do my whole life.

"Mr. Diamond, I need your help," He said and sat on a chair.

"Who are you?" Tim asked.

"Alex sir, Alex Rider."

"And what's your angle?" continued Tim, obviously enjoying himself in his role.

Alex stood up; it seemed he couldn't stay still for very long.

"180 degrees at the moment," I said and laughed. Tim scowled at me.

"This is serious Nick," he frowned.

"Oh come off it Tim, he's probably only a year older than me, he can't be in trouble!" I said.

"But you get into all sorts of trouble!" Tim reminded me.

"Yes, I wonder why?" I muttered.

"Please, this is important!" Alex pleaded.

"Ok then, what is it?" I sighed, expecting something about a lost dog.

"Do you know Damian Cray?" Alex asked.

"Of course, he died last month, who hasn't heard of him?" I laughed, not really seeing where this was going.

"Err... yes. In an accident they said on the news wasn't it?" Alex said awkwardly.

"Yeah, something about a plane crash, trouble with the propellers or something wasn't it? A tragic loss if you ask me," I said, not really meaning it.

"Well, he had a son who's after me!" Alex yelled. I laughed, snorting.

"What?" Alex shouted into my face.

"There's a hospital over the road, go to the psychiatric ward they'll be able to help," I laughed and Tim gave me the thumbs up. This boy was mad, one of the few things we agreed on.

"This isn't funny! I know it sounds mad and its hard to believe but I'm telling the truth," Alex whined desperately.

"Of course you are," Tim said and winked at me quite obviously, obviously enough for Alex to see anyway.

"Please Mr. Diamond, I'm a spy, I work for MI6, you need to help me get in touch with them," Alex begged.

"Why don't you sit down yeah? I'll see if we threw that teabag away this morning and I'll make you a nice cup of tea," I suggested. Alex nodded reluctantly and sat down again.

I went into the kitchen and started to search for some mugs. I turned around and Alex was standing there, watching me.

"I know you don't believe me, but maybe I might be able to persuade you with some information I have on your brother." He said quietly.

"What information?" I asked suspiciously.

"Nothing new to you but does the title 'Sotheby's Feast' mean anything to you?" Alex' eyes sparkled and my mouth fell open.

"You're serious?" I gasped.

"Yes,"

"Look if you're messing us about…"

"I'm not, I just need you to go to MI6 and tell them what's going on."

"Through the shop with the birds?" I sighed.

"No, it's a different part, this is special operations, it's a bank, I'll give you the address," Alex said, smiling.

"God, what the hell am I doing! Ok Alex, I'll try and see these people about you on one condition,"

"What's that?" Alex asked suspiciously.

"You can't say a word about this to my brother, if he gets involved with this then it'll turn out to be a nightmare. I'll deliver the message and then you can go and we won't have any more to do with it. Just don't tell Tim," I said, quietly.

"Ok, deal," Alex said and we shook hands.

Two hours later I was standing outside a massive building that looked nothing like the secret hideout for military intelligence. There was a woman standing behind a large desk and she was talking happily on the phone. I coughed to try and make myself heard but she ignored me. She was sat behind one of those glass panels like they have in the post office. I banged on the window and she turned around, startled. She said something into the phone and then put it back on the desk.

"Can I help you?" a voice said, it was coming from a speaker set into the window.

"Yeah, hi, I've got a message for Alan Blunt," I said.

"Who?" the woman asked, looking puzzled.

"Great!" I muttered to myself. "Look, I know what this is and one of your agents is in trouble, he's asked me to pass on a message, my brother is a private detective," I said in a low voice.

"I really don't know what you're talking about," the woman said.

"Oh for God's sake! Alan Blunt! Or maybe a Mrs. Jones?" I growled, losing my patience.

"Security? Could you please escort this young man out of the building," the woman called.

"Oh this is ridiculous! How about Mr. Smithers? Come on I'm trying my best here!" I yelled.

"Is someone calling me?" a voice asked, I turned around, there was an extremely fat man standing behind me.

"Are you Mr. Smithers?" I asked hopefully. The man didn't reply. "You know Alex Rider?" I persisted.

"Yes," the man said and turned to the woman behind the window. "Thank you Ruby, I'm taking this young man upstairs,"

"Yeah thanks Ruby, you were very helpful, thanks for your co-operation!" I said sarcastically. Mr. Smithers put a hand on my shoulder and started to steer me towards a lift.

"That was like banging my head against a bloody brick wall!" I growled as we stepped into the lift.

"Yes, but you have to understand that we have to be extremely careful," Mr. Smithers laughed. "Now dear boy, you were saying something about Alex?"

"Yeah, he's sent me with a message. Apparently Joshua Cray, Damian Cray's son is trying to kill him," I said shrugging.

"And where is Alex now?"

"My place, in Fulham, my brother's a private detective so I think he's safe," I lied.

"Oh good, if you'll just come up to my office I need you to sign something," Mr. Smithers said.

"If it's to keep my mouth shut don't worry, been there, done that, got the scars, you can check my records. Nick Diamond, it's all there in black and white, Sotheby's feast, not even a bloody thank you card!" I said.

Mr. Smithers laughed at that. The lift doors opened and we stepped out. I handed Mr. Smithers one of Tim's business cards with our address and phone number on and then turned to get back into the lift again.

"Tell Alex we'll pick him up shortly and sort out this whole business," Mr. Smithers said, "And also, tell him he's very lucky to have a friend like you."

"Oh no, we're not friends, if he's anything like the rest of you I wouldn't touch him with a ten foot barge pole!" I assured Mr. Smithers and he was still chuckling as the lift doors shut themselves.

"Done, dusted, sorted!" I yelled as I strode into the flat. There was no reply so I went into the kitchen to find an unwelcome visitor. He was a boy, about the same age as me, brown hair, green eyes, gun. Tim and Alex were backed against the wall with their hands above their heads but, hey, it could have been worse!

"Who the hell are you?" I asked. The boy stared at me with cold, empty eyes.

"Who wants to know?" he growled.

"The police for one thing" I said, smiling.

"Ha, ha, bloody ha!" the boy said.

"My name's Nick," I said, what was I doing making small talk with a boy pointing a gun at my brother?

"Joshua," the boy replied.

"Joshua Cray? You've come to kill Alex Rider?" I asked.

"Yes, I have," Joshua said as if it was nothing.

"Why? I thought Alex was one of the good guys,"

"Good guys? I bet he didn't tell you he got my dad puréed in the engine of a jumbo jet!" Joshua growled.

"That's disgusting!" I squealed.

"Don't listen to him!" Alex yelled.

"There's two sides to every story, and for one thing I don't trust MI6 after what happened to me last time I got involved with them," I said.

"What are you after Nick?" Joshua asked.

"Two things, might sound greedy, but I'm like that. One, you leave my brother out of this, and two, take this outside I can't be dealing with the mess. There are enough blood stains on the carpet as it is, and Tim's only just recovered from the shock of watching 'The Ring' and I don't want to have to fork out for another crappy psychiatrist again!"

"Nick! You don't know what you're saying!" Alex cried.

"Of course I do, I've had quite a good grasp of the English language since I was ten years old."

"You've been descent Nick, I'll do as you want," Joshua said and gestured for Alex to start walking out of the kitchen, Joshua kept the gun on his back.

"See you Joshua!" I called as he started out after Alex.

"Alright Nick, thanks! If I get done by the police I know who to blame!"

"Sure thing, my e-mail is NickDiamondwaterfrontmail!" I called back and then heard the front door slam. I turned to Tim who was still backed against the wall with his hands up.

"You ok?" I asked.

"Yeah, but… what just happened?" he asked.

"I just saved your behind," I replied. Tim walked towards me, looking shocked.

"But you let him get away with Alex!" he cried.

"I don't care, I'm sick of risking my life for other people, nobody appreciates it," I shrugged.

"But Nick It's my job to make sure people don't get hurt," Tim cried.

"And you suck at it!" I snapped, "I've had enough, every time I try to help anybody out I just get hurt and nobody cares Tim, we live in a horrid, nasty world, bad things happen and there's nothing we can do about it!"

"Don't say that! Don't you dare say that! We can always help," Tim yelled.

"Shut up Tim!" I screamed, the past few years had finally caught up with me, " It's ok for you with your stupid little dreams and your make-believe stories. You can be a private detective and pretend that life is just peaches and cream. But who has to take responsibility for it? Who has to clean up after you when you make a compete mess of things and cock everything up? I do, and nobody ever notices, nobody ever cares and nobody ever even says thank you, two words Tim, two bloody words, but no! You throw it all back in my face. It's hard enough living with you, with no money and without mum and dad but now I can't even count how many times I've almost been shot or blown up or drowned and it's all your fault!" suddenly a few tears leaked out of my eyes and I was crying.

"If you don't like it you can go," Tim said quietly.

"Fine," I sniffed, "and get in touch when you've decided what's more important, a priceless artefact or your little brother… who needs you." And with that I packed my bags and stormed out of the flat.


	2. Chapter 2

I was half-asleep, my mind wandering back to the scene at the flat. How would Tim be coping on his own now? It had been four days, I'd be lucky if he was still alive! I was disturbed from my thoughts as someone came into the room and drew the moth-eaten curtains.

"Come on N.D., you lazy layabout!" a voice said. I blinked for a while until my eyes had adjusted to the light and then I sat up and stretched.

"Five more minutes please Josh!" I begged.

"No! Come on Nick you promised you would help me out today!" Josh snapped. He pulled the sleeping bag off of me and I chucked a pillow at his head.

"I suppose I've got to go and feed Rider," I sighed, swinging my legs round and standing up.

"Well I'm not doing it… you could conveniently forget," Josh suggested, grinning.

"I'm gone," I said, standing up. I wandered into the kitchen, pulled two bits of bread out of the bag and made my way down to the cellar.

"Knock, knock," I said as I unbolted the cellar door. I made my way down the steps and threw the pieces of bread at Alex's feet. He glared at me hatefully. He was chained to an iron ring that was set in the wall down there.

"How much longer are you going to keep me down here?" Alex demanded.

"I dunno, what a stupid question, does it matter?" I shrugged.

"I thought you were Ok, Nick, now I've found out that you're scum of the lowest order, just like that Cray!" Alex spat.

"Yeah I love you too," I said sarcastically and started my way back upstairs. Alex swore at me and I turned round and smiled innocently at him.

"You're just precious aren't you?" I grinned and then went back into the kitchen; 'accidentally' leaning on the light switch as I went past it so Alex was left in the dark.

"What are you going to do with him?" I asked Joshua for about the fiftieth time.

"I told you I don't know, I thought I was going to kill him but I don't know if I can," Joshua said quietly. "I can't let him go because he'll kill me or worse, put me in prison."

"You can't leave him down there though, he's smart you know, works for MI6, he's bound to find a weakness sometime and he'll escape," I said reasonably.

"What else am I going to do?" Joshua asked.

"We could try talking to him," I suggested.

"Yeah, like that would work," Joshua laughed. "I mean, it's not that I don't want to kill him, it's just that I don't want to kill him."

"That makes so much sense," I said sarcastically.

"What I mean is that I don't want to be a murderer," Joshua sighed.

"Then hire someone, or find someone who really wants to kill him and won't mind pulling the trigger, there's bound to be somebody," I said.

"Nick… you're a genius!" Joshua said, his face lighting up.

"I try," I replied.

"No, when I was looking for Alex I found out about this group he got involved with a few months ago, it's a huge terrorist organisation and he agreed to work for them but then he betrayed them and gave them up to MI6," Joshua said excitedly. "They're called Scorpia, they're based in Venice and they are big, they seriously have it in for Rider and they'll pay us a fair bit for handing him over to them."

"We can't go wrong really can we," I agreed, grinning. "How do we get in touch with this Scorpia?"

"We need a computer, I'll write an e-mail, their secret web site was in the files and I've got the password so it will be easy enough," Joshua replied.

"Off to the library then," I announced and we started out of the door.

stared at Joshua in disbelief as he typed in the address.

"Are you trying to be funny?" I hissed.

"No, I'm being serious, this is the perfect cover, if you click on the right link it's easy enough," he assured me. A web page covered in pink petals and yellow ducklings appeared with the links 'competitions' 'bunny scramble' story time' 'fan art' 'animals' 'activities' and 'shop online'.

"You have got to be kidding," I muttered. Joshua clicked on the link that said 'bunny scramble' and a little pink rabbit appeared on the screen with a text box next to it. 'This is a site for special viewers only, please type in the magic word' it said. Joshua's fingers skimmed over the keyboard and he pressed 'enter'. A man wearing black appeared on the screen with a shotgun and blew the rabbits head off, when the red blood faded off of the screen the page had changed to a black background with blue writing. SCORPIA was printed in bold letters at the top of the page. Joshua pressed the 'contact' link and began to type his e-mail, giving Scorpia the address of the place we were staying in the and the situation we were in with Alex Rider. He left his mobile phone number at the bottom of the page and then shut down the web site. As soon as the internet connection had been disconnected thousands of animated scorpions appeared on the screen and covered it so the desktop couldn't be seen.

"What the hell…" I began.

"It's a virus," Joshua explained, "They must have put it on there so nobody could find them using the history on the computer."

"Clever!" I replied.


End file.
